Gaps

I’ve felt so moody lately and I can only point the reason to the fact that it’s that time of the month again—that I have my period. Giving myself time to think deeply, I realize it’s not because of that. It’s because there’s a huge dark gap—a hole—in my chest.

They miss me. My babies miss me. I don’t have a strong grasp of them right now and the feeling is unsettling. My dearest babies—my Blue Heights “bebes”.

I don’t think I have ever mentioned this in any of my posts yet, but Blue Heights is the official school publication of my high school. I entered the organization as a correspondent during my junior year. During my senior year, I was promoted to Managing Editor and that was the year I got the chance to become a leader. To become responsible. To improve my writing. To know more about my passion. And to become the mother of my “bebes” in my own way.

It wasn’t an easy job. I had to run from corner to corner of the school campus just to catch an interview, skipping my recess and lunch while I was at it. But mind it though, while running, I was saying something to myself. A revelation or an irony. In my mind, I was thinking, ‘I’m so tired already! And I haven’t eaten anything! Consider my body, which is already so skinny, and I still have to do this.’ But then my mouth smiled and spoke up. It said, “I love my job.”

It’s really something remarkable to have younger school mates as my “bebes”. With them, I felt like I was responsible for them. If something happened to them, I’m the one to blame. It’s fulfilling to take good care of such people who really became close to my heart, especially during my stay as the Managing Editor. I haven’t even mentioned the best part yet. I’m the one who really looked out for them…

and I’m not even the Editor-In-Chief.

I have nothing against my co-members, but I actually have to thank them as well. Somehow they gave me a chance to experience all that stuff. If it weren’t for them, well maybe having babies wouldn’t have ever occurred in my life.

But right now, I’m in College. It’s like I let my babies slip off of my fingers too easily.

I miss our moderator telling me to do this and that, and I’d be more than willing to comply because I love doing what I do. I don’t see those as things to stress about. I miss announcing to my babies that there will be a meeting at 12 noon at our office. I miss making our distribution plan. I miss writing articles. (I can’t believe I’m saying this, but) I miss being butchered. I miss having meetings. I miss arranging meetings. I miss interviewing. I miss scribbling notes very fast in my notebook. I miss reprimanding and putting on my pissed off look at my babies when they get noisy and won’t focus. I miss watching over them. I miss Blue Heights…I miss my home.

That’s the gap that has been bothering me for a while now. I know that no matter how hard I try, I can never go back to Blue Heights. Why? Sooner or later, I have to move on with my life. Everybody does. I can’t just force myself to be stuck at that one point and never go on.

You open the next chapter of your life and you have to let go of some things along the way. It does hurt, but it depends on you if you want to be stuck at one part of the book forever.

I’m still trying to figure out my next move.

And how to fill this gap.

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